Stillness
This year for Lent I was going to give up drinking sweet tea. Then Noelle took me to Chik-fil-a and I thought better of my sacrifices. I am participating in Lent though. Noelle bought me a devotional book that uses quotes from my favorite theologian and spiritualist, Henri Nouwen. This book is walking me through a journey of reflection and penitence. It’s reminds me that I am a sinful, imperfect, broken vessel. It concentrates on an inward journey to the heart. A journey that requires intentional moments of reflection, prayer, and stillness in my day.
I’m learning I go too fast. I’m learning my plate is sometimes too full. I’m learning that the more I do the less aware I am of my own needs. This year for Lent, I’m giving up being busy and replacing them with moments of stillness.
And I can’t help but notice that when Jesus wraps himself in our dust, when he becomes human, he too needs to set aside moments of stillness to reflect. He too slows his life down to think, to pray, to keep from being a work-a-holic.
I remember my first intentional go at solitude and reflection. It was my senior year of college; I went on my first intentional, silent retreat. All of the University Ministries leaders from their respective organizations at Belmont got together to go on this retreat.
We sat in silence for three hour intervals. One particular interval I decided to journal. I pulled out my notebook and started writing a prayer to God. “Dear God, over the last few weeks ...and then it hit me.
I was about to verbalize my sin. I was about to ask for forgiveness. I was about to admit my failures. I put the pen down. I quit writing. I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t ready. The stillness; the quiet; it made me face my distractions, my sins, the parts of myself that I want to hide. My shadow side.
I realized silence has a way of bringing out for me my inner distractions so they can manifest themselves to me in full force.
I agree with Nouwen when he says,
“To bring solitude into our lives is one of the most necessary but also most difficult disciplines. Even though we may have a deep desire for real solitude, we also experience a certain apprehension as we approach that solitary place and time. As soon as we are alone, without people to talk with, books to read, TV to watch, or phone calls to make, an inner chaos opens up in us.”
This chaos can be so disturbing and so confusing that we can hardly wait to get busy again. Entering a private room and shutting the door, being alone in the wilderness, quieting your soul in your car before work, does not mean that we immediately shut out all inner doubts, angry feelings, anxiety, or impulsive desires. On the contrary, when we have removed our outer distractions, we often find that our inner distractions manifest themselves to us in full force.
But, stillness must be a place of conversion – not distraction or fear. In stillness we are converted from people who want to show each other what we have and what we can do into people who raise our open and empty hands to God in the recognition that we are all broken vessel and yet a free gift from God. Thus, in solitude we encounter not only God but also our true self. It is precisely in the light of God’s presence that we can see who we really are.
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