And The Darkness Did Not Overcome It

Two weeks ago I ran into a huge paradox for myself: The darkness is comforting and scary.

As I participated in a spiritual retreat, God shined light on the fact that I carry some woundedness towards other people. I carry bitterness, hatred, envy and jealousy. As much as I never thought I did, God shed light on the darkness of my soul and revealed to me what I didn’t know I was doing. I was wandering in the dark. I was living life from the place within me that forbid God to trespass. The world saw me one way but I was living in my heart a darker way. I convinced myself I was doing right and living well and covering a lot of ground but what I was really doing was training myself to become incapable of seeing the light.

Honestly, there are people in this world I need to forgive. I don’t because it is easier for me to not shine light on that part of my soul. My dark soul is trained in carrying woundedness and is comfortable never having another person recognize it again. It is the part in which I bury deep within my being and pray no one – not even God – will make me dig up again. That’s the part God shined light on for me. I am broken and saddened that I have proclaimed – practically all my life – to be a light bearer for Christ and yet am so hell-bent on carrying so much darkness inside of me.

The darkness is comforting for me because it keeps my sins hidden, allows me to live naively, and trains me to compartmentalize my feelings. But it can be scary too.

Every one of us, on some level of our being, knows what it is like to be face down on the linoleum floor scared to move and scared to breathe. We know what it is like to feel trapped, paralyzed and uncertain of our future. We know what it is like to carry a burden deep within our being with the hope that no one will ever find out. We know what its like to long for God’s intervention and grace yet feel ashamed to turn to God and ask. We know what its like to feel guilty yet knowing no other way than to keep lying and covering up the truth. The darkness is quite scary because we never know when it will end.

You know what I hate about the darkness – it controls me. When I place something in the dark side of my soul, I have to protect it from ever being revealed. I guard it, control it, and secure its secrecy from anyone else – forever. The rest of my life is spent conscious of this hidden darkness and attempts to never let anyone see it.

C.S. Lewis tells a story of little trolls who were lost in the darkness and scared to death. They were paralyzed with fear of what the world would see if light was shined upon them. They didn’t want to move and they didn’t want to breathe. The truth is they are burying their faces in the mane of a lion. The lion was sitting in the middle of a meadow. Because of the trolls’ fear of the light, they missed their chance to play. They missed their chance of seeing the meadow. They missed their chance to live.

The dual nature that I want you to understand is not only are we completely dependent upon the light shining in our own soul, we are also the light people see. We need the light and we must be the light for others. This is the paradox we all face. And yes I know how hard it is, but we must accept the light given to us, follow the light given to us, and shine the light for others to see.

Remember, things are never as scary in the light – you can do it!

Comments

brandon said…
Well said, brother. Blessings.
March 28, 2009 at 2:02 PM
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