Deep Speaking to Deep

For some people holiday seasons can be tough. They are the times when people express their deepest love and affection for the ones she/he considers deserving. This inevitably forces people to remember the ones that do not get to share in the moment. We are compelled to reflect on friends and family that are no longer with us; and for those of us who are single, it forces us to realize that we don’t have someone to share the holiday season with. Either way, death and heartbreak are real reasons that keep people from experiencing great joy during the holiday season.

I know for me, I experience loneliness during this time of year because I’m still single. When I go home, I go home to a family that is entirely married except me. Whether I want to think about this or not, I’m forced to answer the question: “So, when you planning on getting married?”

My response has recently been one with quite a lot of sarcasm, “Oh! That’s right. I’m still single.”

Regardless, if we are honest with ourselves then we would agree that this loneliness bothers us. We reflect on past relationships and try to think on why they didn’t work and undoubtedly blame ourselves on some level for not being enough for someone to date. If we are not careful, we can build quite a bit of resentment and anger towards our lot in life.

What are we to do when we realize this?

Once we become aware of it, we are still wounded and hurt and jaded by our experience. We are either angry, upset or sorrowful. This anguish we carry is heavy and it is swift. Henri Nouwen says,
When you love someone or “miss” someone, you experience an inner pain. Bit by bit you have to discover the nature of this pain. When your deepest self is connected to the deepest self of another, that person’s absence may be painful, but it will lead you to a profound communion with the person, because loving each other is loving in God. When the place where God dwells in you is intimately connected with the place where God dwells in the other, the absence of the other person is not destructive. On the contrary, it will challenge you to enter more deeply into communion with God, the source of all unity and communion among people. 
It is also possible on the other hand that the pain of absence will show you that you are out of touch with your own deeper self. You need the other to experience inner wholeness, to have a sense of well-being. You have become emotionally dependent on the other and sink into depression because of his or her absence. It feels as if the other has taken away a part of you that you cannot live without. Then the pain of absence reveals a certain lack of trust in God’s love. But God is enough for you. 
True love between two human beings puts you more in touch with your deeper self. It is a love in God. The pain you experience from the death or absence of the person you love, then, always calls you to a deeper knowledge of God’s love. God’s love is all the love you need, and it reveals to you the love of God in the other. So the God in you can speak to the God in the other. This is deep speaking to deep, a mutuality in the heart of God, who embraces both of you.
Death or absence does not end or even diminish the love of God that brought you to the other person. It calls you to take a new step into the mystery of God’s inexhaustible love. This process is painful, very painful, because the other person has become a true revelation of God’s love for you. But the more you are stripped from the God-given support of people, the more you are called to love God for God’s sake. This is an awesome and even dreadful love, but it is the love that offers eternal life.”[1]
Our deep inner self is spiritually connected with our loves. Our relationship with God is our “deep” and it is connected with our loves’ “deep.” Through this love and this memory of life come deep, spiritual connections with the other. We will never forget them nor replace them. They are forever in our lives and will forever be in our hearts. This love is enough for us to never forget.

The truth of the matter is that we must embrace a relationship through communion with Christ to share in this deep love. There is much pain involved when attempting this but the reward is eternity.

Even though we lose people in our lives and relationships change, the more deeply we choose to love those people we lost, the more we see them in the strangers around us. The ground of our broken heart becomes tilled soil that creates more room for growth and life.

Our brokenness is real and should not be overlooked. We need to grieve and we need to cry. These tears will help water the ground of our broken heart and will, over time, allow us to see the love for the ones closest to us in the strangers around us. I encourage you as you grieve to love and love deeply the memories of the past.
[1] Nouwen, Henri. The Inner Voice of Love: A Journey Through Anguish to Freedom. (NewYork: Doubleday, 1996), 64-65.

Comments

Anonymous said…
I was just skimming around with the blogs here and I couldn’t help but to add my thoughts to this one. I agree, the holidays can be sometimes bring joy, but also loneliness and heartache. I grew up with a wonderful, big family and over the past couple of years a lot has changed. With only one grandparent left, marriages, kids, etc. My family has kind of ‘split off’ into their own families and I usually spend my holidays with just my mom and dad, who I love very much. I also recently just got out of a 5 year relationship, so I have come to the realization that this holiday season will be alot more different than the previous. But… as hurtful as it may be, I can’t help but to let my faith take control to understand the situation better. I think about God’s love and the sacrifice that he made for us. I immediately drop my selfishness and give away my personal comfort and feelings as my sacrifice to him. This, self-sacrificing love for God and for one another is what the Advent season should be all about. We owe it all to him!
December 11, 2008 at 1:08 PM
Anonymous said…
Barrett! This is a well-written article. I'm glad you're doing it. If you write a book, I will buy it.
December 17, 2008 at 10:29 PM
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