I Can't Stop Thinking, "I'm the Older Brother."

I can’t stop thinking about how I so often play the role of the older brother in the Prodigal Son parable.

When the prodigal son returns home, the older brother is filled with anger, resentment, and envy. He storms away from the festival unable to celebrate.

I can hear him saying, “Why should my rug rat of a brother, the abomination to the family, the lustful lunatic who squanders away everything get the fattened calf, the best seat in the house? What about my efforts, my works? Why don’t I get recognized?

I’ll never forget a time in college when I was leading a bible study. We were talking about how our lives should be a living prayer. Someone asked me that night to give an accurate account of how many times I bowed my head and prayed during a day. I couldn’t think of a day that I did it more than three. From the back of the room I was chastised publically for not being a good enough Christian by a girl who I knew quite well. I remember thinking to myself, “How dare she teach me a lesson about prayer! I’m the teacher!” And plus I know this girl. I know this girl’s friends. She is in no shape to tell me how good of a Christian I need to be. She is the squanderer and the one who chases lust!

I’ll never forget the inner resentment I felt towards that girl.

This inner resentment is my own “lostness.” We don’t have to squander all we have to realize we are separated from God. We can actually be in the very room as our “father” and still not be connected to the divine. Anger, resentment, and envy hold us in bondage and keep us from living freely with our God.

There are a lot of us who choose judgment over forgiveness, condemnation over reconciliation, anger over love, and jealousy instead of joy. And looking deeply into myself and then around at the lives of other people; I wonder, “Which one does more damage, lust or resentment?”

There is so much resentment among the “just” and the “righteous.” There is so much judgment, condemnation, and prejudice among the so-called “saints.” There is so much frozen anger among the people who are so concerned about avoiding “sin.”

Is giving in to lust that much more severe than carrying cold anger in the corners of your heart towards those who lust?

Once upon a time there was a park-keeper whose job was to pick up liter on the spiked pole. Surrounded by the glorious beauty of flowers and trees, with the sun sparkling through the leaves, he only had eyes for the garbage he had to collect and the damage it did. The park-keeper could only see the bad, and was blind to the beauty.

We may not be lustfully chasing after cheap thrills, but we may be people who hate those who do. Who resent those who do. Who judge those who do. And let’s be honest, despite our attempts toward Christian actions, we are blind to the beauty. The beauty of real, redeeming love. Blind to forgiveness. Blind to grace. Blind to reconciliation. And I just can't quit thinking, "I'm even blind to the fact that I'm blind."

Resentment has a way of making us look at liter, instead of flowers and trees.