Being Fully Received

Not all time in life is equal. Moments occur that carry significant meaning while others pass by without any thoughtful reflection.

Times that seem to get remembered are times that are shared with others. We carry with us memories of first dates, vacations, parties, recitals, ball games, birthdays, movies and so much more. The gift is not the experience but who we experienced it with.

For example, I will never forget eating fondue. The experience of sitting in a dark corner booth with overpriced, undercooked food that I was supposed to cook myself in boiling bowls of water, cheese and chocolate sitting before me was supposed to be the novelty of the experience. Granted the food was good but that was not what sustained this pleasant memory. The memory was with the company. I shared myself with another person. Together we attempted to not overcook the food to the point it dropped off our metal tongs and into the boiling water, cheese and chocolate. We shared stories of who we are and what means the most to us in life and laughed when the other lost their sliced banana to the 200 degree Godiva Chocolate fondue. We listened intently to the other while we told a special story and did our best to present ourselves as intelligent, attractive people. We were on a date. (May I add she looked gorgeous)

I juxtapose this memory with a memory of a depressed point in my life. Have you ever felt worthless, alone and dispensable? Have you ever thought to yourself that the direction of your life is directionless and all your friendships seem to be superfluous?

I have.

I know the pain of crying yourself to sleep. I know the longing for love and companionship but not feeling adequate enough to ever receive it. I know the despair that comes with a broken heart. I know the insanity that protrudes into your thought pattern that forces you to do crazy things such as checking an ex’s Facebook profile thirty times a day to see if anyone has written on her/his wall :-) I also know that the pain I experience is unlike any pain for anyone else. The pain is solely mine. No one knows what I truly feel and know one knows how to truly help. These moments of depression seem to last a lifetime.

I give these two examples because they represent all people at one point or another in life. The dirty little secret is that all humans are sexual beings and all long for acceptance, love and companionship. We search for these in friendships, relationships and dream about the hope for each. The patterns of our lives that are successful, happy and optimistic versus the moments of depression, hurt and pain seem to be synonymous with how our life is receiving acceptance, love and companionship from others.

My word of hope for you is that when we as humans feel mostly complete it is because we feel mostly loved by our selves. The hope I offer is that whether you know it or not, you are always loved by God. To recognize this love, you must first love yourself.

Henri Nouwen writes:

Faith is precisely trusting that you who give gratuitously will receive gratuitously, but not necessarily from the person to whom you gave. The danger is in pouring yourself out to others in the hope that they will fully receive you. You will soon feel as if others are walking away with parts of you. You cannot give yourself to others if you do not own yourself, and you can only truly own yourself when you have been fully received in unconditional love.

A lot of giving and receiving has a violent quality, because the givers and receivers act more out of need than out of trust. What looks like generosity is actually manipulation, and what looks like love is really a cry for affection or support. When you know yourself as fully loved, you will be able to give according to the other’s capacity to receive, and you will be able to receive according to the other’s capacity to give. You will be grateful for what is given to you without clinging to it, and joyful for what you can give without bragging about it. You will be a free person, free to love!